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One Way to Create Opportunity

The successful people I know have little in common. Some are shy, some are talkative. Some are detail-oriented, others are big picture thinkers. Some are doing well in their careers, others don’t have a job. Most are nice, a few are not.

Their only common denominator is that they are goal-driven. But what does that really tell us? Their goals range from being promoted every 18 months to cutting slang out of their vocabulary.

On the surface, you might have difficulty identifying exactly how to apply this to your own life. But goal-driven people always set intentions, even if they are doing something they aren’t necessarily thrilled about doing.

My friend whose goal is to be promoted every year-and-a-half thinks about being promoted all the time. Whenever he has a conversation with anyone, he sets an intention – to network, to share an accomplishment, or to identify a new opportunity.

My friend that is cutting slang out of his vocabulary always sets the same two intentions. One is to avoid using slang himself, and the other is to listen to the slang the other people use and mentally come up with alternatives. (He’s an interesting guy.)

Setting intentions for every interaction creates unlikely opportunities. Think about your goals and your day-to-day interactions. How might you find unexpected opportunities?

Are You Being Silent or Silenced?

My previous articles about silence dispel some myths about this often-misunderstood behavior, and describe the advantages of developing your ability to be silent.

Silencing is a negative behavior used to prevent someone from expressing their views in an appropriate setting, usually by an unspoken threat of rejection or retaliation. This article will help you identify silencing behaviors, and how to address silencing behaviors professionally and effectively.

Silencing Behaviors

Silencing often involves a power differential. When people discuss silencing, the first thing that comes to mind is a powerful person silencing a more vulnerable, dependent person.

  • Silencing through disempowerment. Once a person attains power over others – via money, influence, or information – he or she is in a position to set the agenda and make decisions that impact others. Most people learn to lead, and a few become great leaders.However, when an insecure person obtains power, fear drives their actions. Fearful of losing their power or being superseded, they are affronted by suggestions, unable to tolerate doubt, and prone to anger if they are questioned. They use their power to repress others, to restrict conversation, or to prohibit open dialogue.

    Josef Stalin is an interesting historical example. A tyrannical leader who tolerated no dissent, Stalin took silencing to a new level by literally erasing his enemies.

Let’s take a look at some ways people are silenced by their peers:

  • The Spiral of Silence is a phenomena that occurs when people hide their real opinions, or express opinions they don’t actually hold, for fear they will be judged harshly if their real thoughts and feelings are known. Spiral of Silence is often associated with the media, but it can happen whenever groups divide into factions.When Teresa joined the company as a Marketing manager, the team had mixed reactions. Most were friendly; a few seemed to take an immediate dislike to her. Ellen, a long-time employee, was in the latter group. With a steady stream of negativity, she gradually turned several influential team members against Teresa. James and Nicole liked their new manager but knew that if they defended Teresa, Ellen would target them, so they said nothing. 
  • Silencing through Groupthink. Groupthink occurs when an individual sets aside – or is pressured to set aside – their own thoughts and feelings to conform with those of a group. If any individual suggests changes, questions the group’s decisions, or expresses doubt, the group acts as a unit to silence them. The individual may be shouted down, accused of disloyalty, or expelled from the group. Groupthink is usually accompanied by an ‘us versus them’ mentality.

Lastly, you can silence yourself.

  • Self-silencing. Self-silencing people change their words and actions to match what they believe they should say or do. Self-silencing was once viewed as unique to women, but men and women of all ages and races are capable of self-silencing.I’m not going to ask a question, because a good parent would already know the answer.
    I wish I could point out the hole in this logic, but women aren’t supposed to be that blunt.
    I don’t care about this initiative, but I have to pretend I do or people will think I’m a jerk.

Should you address silencing behavior?

If you are ready to address silencing behavior, there are ways to do so politely and effectively.

However, there are valid reasons why you might choose not to act. For instance, it may not be worthwhile to do anything if you rarely interact with the individual(s) in question, or if the topic isn’t important to you. You may find that your interests are better served by simply observing the power dynamics in the room and gathering information. Doing nothing does not mean you are condoning bad behavior. You’re doing the right thing, based on your current circumstances.

How to address silencing behavior 

Begin with getting into the right frame of mind. Be confident. Remember that silencing someone else is not a justifiable behavior. You have a unique perspective to put forward and value to offer. Also, be generous. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Silencing behavior can stem from preoccupation or a lack of self-awareness.

Here are a few ideas:

  • Be proactive in creating a more collaborative environment. Encourage the group to develop ground rules for participation. Point out that agreements like allowing people to make a point without interruption are beneficial to everyone.
  • Model respectful interaction. If you observe another person being silenced, you can correct the behavior without calling anyone out.
    “Adnan, you didn’t have a chance to finish your point earlier. What were you going to say?”
  • Call out the behavior under the assumption it was accidental. Approach the person who silenced you and reintroduce the topic.
    “Hi Cyndi, I’m following up about our meeting this morning. You asked a few people for input but we ran out of time before you could ask me. I want to share an idea with you.”
  • Confront the issue directly with feedback. Try using the Situation Behavior Impact (SBI) model to provide feedback.
    “Mark, in last week’s team meeting (situation), I was making a point and you said, ‘That won’t work’ and started talking right over me (behavior). I’m concerned that by interrupting me and making a dismissive comment, you damaged my credibility and yours with the team (impact).”
  • Treat silencing with silence. If the silencing behavior is intentionally rude or dismissive, resist the urge to reply in kind. Wait until you are calm to address it, and remember a thoughtful silence may make your point more effectively than words ever could.

Click here to read Sound of Silence

Click here to read Use Silence to Your Advantage

Use Silence to Your Advantage

Silence has many benefits: it promotes creativity, relaxation, and deep sleep. With the right non-verbal signals, it signals confidence.

Maybe the best use of silence is as a way to understand others. Giving someone your full attention is a compliment. Do you remember the last time anyone gave you undivided, silent attention? The ability to be silent, paired with non-verbal acknowledgements like nodding or leaning forward, is critical for consultants and others who have people-focused jobs.

 

Silence can also be used to press for information. Most of us can’t bear a prolonged silence, and after a few seconds, we’ll say anything to put an end to it. It is hard work to converse with a very quiet person, and you might even blurt out something you had no intention of sharing, out of sheer desperation. For that very reason, detectives and therapists use deliberate silence to gather information to solve a case or help a patient. A clever teacher might allow an uncomfortable silence to motivate students into participating in class. A negotiator might respond to an initial offer in silence to provoke the other person into making a better offer.

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